Author: Bert

Hey nerds,

HERE ARE THE SECRETS THE GERMANS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT!!!

I made actual German bratkartoffeln. And good news: if you can read this post, you can too!

You need:

• Potatoes. Like, how many you want.
• An onion. Like, half an onion per portion. But leaving half an onion in the fridge sucks because you’ll just forget about it. I know you will.
• A non cast-iron anti-stick pan. With a cover.

Peel potatoes, cut them up (evenly and shit). Throw that shit in water for a moment. That’s the German secret to success: Water. It fucks with the potatoes’ chemistry and them kartoffels don’t know what up.

Then get them out of the water. Dry them. And throw them in your frying pan. Cover them. Wait for 25 minutes (I listened to some fine music. But you can get drunk. I think 25 minutes is enough time for that). Now and again you wanna check on them taters and flip them around so they don’t get all fucked up.

Cut an onion. Cry a little. Lament existence. Toss the onion in the pan. Cover it up again. And wait for another 5 minutes. Only then can you mix it with the potatoes like some racist analogy for slavery.

Wait another 5 minutes. Cos life is long, right!?

Then put them on a plate and gobble them up. Like, with Brussels sprouts and bacon or something. Or with a bottle of ketchup if you’re a fat slob.

If it don’t look like this, you fucked up.

Hey nerds, I cooked something. Tofu Tandoori with Indian Rice. It’s called that because it’s like chicken tandoori only with tofu. And with rice that’s Indian. And capital letters because that shit’s fancy.

(Tah-fucking-da)

Here’s how you do it (I cooked it for two people because I’m not a pathetic lonely loser like you guys):

The Indian Rice

• 1 1/2 cups basmati rice
• 2 cups water
• 2 teaspoons butter
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 6 cardamom pods (I just used a teaspoon of cardamom powder because pods come in huge packs)
• 1/2 teaspoon turmeric powder (I just ground half a ginger root because I had it and it pissed me off lying there)
• 1/4 cup raisins

Toss that shit in a pot and cook it until the water has magically disappeared. Then eat it with other Indian shit like:

Tofu Tandoori

• 200g tofu
• 100g mangetout
• 150g beansprouts
• 1/2 paprika
• some carrots and champignons
• 1 onion
• 400g of yogurt
• a bit of pineapple or regular apple (if you like sweet stuff in your spicy food like moi)
• tandoori paste (because I’m a lazy fuck, if you wanna make yours yourself, these are the spices you should use)

Wake your bitch ass up. Cut the tofu in pieces (just, like, whatever size you want, like 1x1x1cm or something). Then stir a tablespoon of a tandoori into a cup filled with two tablespoons of yogurt. Taste. If you can’t handle the heat, add more yogurt; if you’re an actual man, add more tandoori. Once you’re happy (like, with the tofu, I don’t care about your feelings dude), mix the tofu and the tandoori in a tupperware box. Then close it. And wait for 8 hours.

Do other shit. Go out. Do drugs. Contemplate existence. Whatever.

Okay, now start making the Indian Rice. Then cut your veggies (big pieces and stripes, you wanna eat this stuff with chopsticks), throw them in a wok, fry them (in the following order: onions, carrots, paprika, mangetout, champignons, whatever I forgot).

Then take the leftover yogurt and mix it with tandoori paste. Like, you already did this once, you can do it again, even if it’s more yogurt now (hint: more yogurt needs more tandoori, use your brain for once, me and your parents are disappointed in you).

You can make less tandoori. I don’t care. I just wanted sauce. No, you’re a fatty. I am rubber, you are glue.

Toss all the leftover shit into the wok: the tandoori you just made, the tofu. Leave the Tupperware, it tends to melt.

Stir a bit. Wait a few moments for that shit to magically start to boil. Then immediately stop it from boiling. Like, blow on it or something. If it boils for too long, it’ll go toxic and YOU WILL DIE.

Then put it in a bowl with some of the Indian Rice and eat it.

If it don’t look like this, you fucked up.