Hey nerds,

HERE ARE THE SECRETS THE GERMANS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT!!!

I made actual German bratkartoffeln. And good news: if you can read this post, you can too!

You need:

• Potatoes. Like, how many you want.
• An onion. Like, half an onion per portion. But leaving half an onion in the fridge sucks because you’ll just forget about it. I know you will.
• A non cast-iron anti-stick pan. With a cover.

Peel potatoes, cut them up (evenly and shit). Throw that shit in water for a moment. That’s the German secret to success: Water. It fucks with the potatoes’ chemistry and them kartoffels don’t know what up.

Then get them out of the water. Dry them. And throw them in your frying pan. Cover them. Wait for 25 minutes (I listened to some fine music. But you can get drunk. I think 25 minutes is enough time for that). Now and again you wanna check on them taters and flip them around so they don’t get all fucked up.

Cut an onion. Cry a little. Lament existence. Toss the onion in the pan. Cover it up again. And wait for another 5 minutes. Only then can you mix it with the potatoes like some racist analogy for slavery.

Wait another 5 minutes. Cos life is long, right!?

Then put them on a plate and gobble them up. Like, with Brussels sprouts and bacon or something. Or with a bottle of ketchup if you’re a fat slob.

If it don’t look like this, you fucked up.