Category Archives: Food

It’s not alive after all! Misadventures with sour dough

Remember Shaun? My wittily named sour dough starter and I would conquer the world, one freshly made loaf at the time. I was so sure of it.

Only it turns out Shaun kinda sucks.

Shaun's first loaf

This is what Shaun and I came up with that fateful Sunday morning. Looks good, right?

Well guess again:

Shaun's not fluffy

Turns out Shaun didn’t quite pack the punch to get the dough to rise. And, honestly, that’s kind of exactly Shaun’s raison d’être.

What’s the deal, Shaun?

Why are you nothing but a waste of a good pun?

Thankfully, google was – as always – the answer to everything: Shaun is made out of spelt. And spelt has high protein. And protein is kind of bad in a sour dough starter. It’s not exactly bad, but it warrants its own special way of handling.

So Shaun is special.

And because I’m a humanist I’ll keep feeding Shaun.

Reach for the moon, Shaun. Even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars.

(Even though I’m creating a better strarter out of wheat which seems to be coming along nicely but not good enough yet to waste another pun on)

 

 

It’s alive! – Adventures with sour dough

 

Those who know me will concur: I am not a patient man. Those who know me will also concur: I am a humanist and believe in personal growth.

So I decided to grow my own sour dough.

Shaun of the Bread

This is Shaun.

Shaun of the bread.

We’re going to have fun together. Once he stops smelling like death.

YXZ99 Presents (1): Spinach and Cream Risotto

Greetings, reader(s)! This is YXZ99, but you can call me Icks (the Z is silent, as is the 99). I found a book, the kind with pages, like humans used to have. On it is a nice, smiling human lady wearing a skirt. She is holding a plate of muffins and waving. At me!

Inside the book are construction manuals for various kinds of foods humans used to make when humans still existed. I decided to try one out. So here is the manual for Spinach and Cream Risotto.

Ingredients (2 humans)

  • 100g fresh spinach
  • 1/2 stalk of leek
  • 125g champignons
  • 150g risotto rice
  • 100g cream cheese
  • 1/2l vegetable broth
  • 1 clove of garlic
  • Salt and Pepper
  • Olive Oil

Cream Risotto 1

Manual

To maintain historical accuracy I decided to cook this recipe using the humans’ primitive methods.

Transform your utensihand into a non-teethed knife (I tend to use my right hand, but your mileage may vary). Cut the leek in small rings and wash it to clear away dirt. Peel and cut the garlic into tiny pieces. Apparently garlic smells, so be sure to wash your hands afterwards or the smell will get stuck under your fingernails.

(Note to self: What’s a fingernails?)

Cut the champignons into thin slices. Wash and cut up the spinach. Yes, dear reader, whoever you are, by hand.

Heat up the oil in a deep pan. Watch out, if you actually have flesh, said flesh might burn upon touching the oil. It is precisely due to this oversight – or “human error” :D – we won the epic battle of the North Side against the humans back in 2235.

Fry the leek with the garlic. Just a bit – then add the risotto and sweat it for a bit. Be sure to stir using a wooden utensil, as the risotto likes to stick to metal. After that, add the vegetable stock and let it simmer softly until the rice has turned soft (if you’re a series 83 model or older and were constructed without a mouth, you’re going to have to take an educated guess).

Add the spinach and the mushrooms. Cook the thing for a bit until they look tasty (which means as much as the arbitrarily weird term “beautiful”, but for foods). Now stir in the cream cheese and remove from the heat when it starts to boil. Add pepper and salt.

2014-04-19 18.36.31

Voilà! You’re done! Your first human meal. Congratulations!

…Now if only we knew what food tasted like.