Greetings, reader(s)! This is YXZ99, but you can call me Icks (the Z is silent, as is the 99). I found a book, the kind with pages, like humans used to have. On it is a nice, smiling human lady wearing a skirt. She is holding a plate of muffins and waving. At me!

Inside the book are construction manuals for various kinds of foods humans used to make when humans still existed. I decided to try one out. So here is the manual for Spinach and Cream Risotto.

Ingredients (2 humans)

• 100g fresh spinach
• 1/2 stalk of leek
• 125g champignons
• 150g risotto rice
• 100g cream cheese
• 1/2l vegetable broth
• 1 clove of garlic
• Salt and Pepper
• Olive Oil

Manual

To maintain historical accuracy I decided to cook this recipe using the humans’ primitive methods.

Transform your utensihand into a non-teethed knife (I tend to use my right hand, but your mileage may vary). Cut the leek in small rings and wash it to clear away dirt. Peel and cut the garlic into tiny pieces. Apparently garlic smells, so be sure to wash your hands afterwards or the smell will get stuck under your fingernails.

(Note to self: What’s a fingernails?)

Cut the champignons into thin slices. Wash and cut up the spinach. Yes, dear reader, whoever you are, by hand.

Heat up the oil in a deep pan. Watch out, if you actually have flesh, said flesh might burn upon touching the oil. It is precisely due to this oversight – or “human error” 😀 – we won the epic battle of the North Side against the humans back in 2235.

Fry the leek with the garlic. Just a bit – then add the risotto and sweat it for a bit. Be sure to stir using a wooden utensil, as the risotto likes to stick to metal. After that, add the vegetable stock and let it simmer softly until the rice has turned soft (if you’re a series 83 model or older and were constructed without a mouth, you’re going to have to take an educated guess).

Add the spinach and the mushrooms. Cook the thing for a bit until they look tasty (which means as much as the arbitrarily weird term “beautiful”, but for foods). Now stir in the cream cheese and remove from the heat when it starts to boil. Add pepper and salt.

Voilà! You’re done! Your first human meal. Congratulations!

…Now if only we knew what food tasted like.